What are boundaries and why do we need them?
We hear people talking about boundaries all the time. Most people have heard the term “boundary” and have a general understanding of what the concept means, but I want to go a bit further and discuss some of the more nuanced aspects of boundary-setting. First we will consider the million dollar question… “What is a boundary?” While dozens of definitions exist, the one I gravitate toward most is as follows:
A boundary is a physical or emotional limit we set with ourselves and others. A line that delineates what we stand for, believe in, tolerate, and expect in relationships, whether it be a romantic, platonic, or professional relationship.
Boundaries are a fundamental and crucial aspect of relationships. Without boundaries we put ourselves at risk of jeopardizing our physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual well-being. Without healthy boundaries we may find ourselves being taken advantage of by others, growing resentment toward loved ones, feeling burned out at work or school, in relationships etc. There’s often a misconception that setting a boundary is punitive or selfish. This could not be further from the truth. In relationships, boundaries are actually protective. They prevent potential resentment that comes from over-extending ourselves or taking on more than we can manage mentally or physically.
Imagine this: A friend asks you to take them to the airport during rush hour traffic. The airport is far and you know you’ll be committing to a couple of hours in the car which you weren’t anticipating and haven’t carved out time for in your schedule. You want to help but know you have your weekly pilates class at that same time your friend needs the ride. Your pilates class is one of the few things you are able to do for yourself during the week because your schedule is full and the opportunity for self-care is limited. It’s a way for you to reconnect with yourself and release stress. You really don’t want to miss it. You’re in a predicament. You have a couple options… You can say “Forget the pilates class. My friend needs me”, cancel the pilates class and take them to the airport. This is completely acceptable if you genuinely are okay cancelling your pilates class to accommodate your friend’s need. However if you aren’t ok cancelling your class and much needed self-care, another option is to set a healthy boundary by letting your friend know that as much as you’d like to help it doesn’t work with your schedule that particular day. The route you take here is entirely up to you and should be based on an evaluation of whether or not saying “yes” to the request involves you bending, or bending over backwards for your friend.
When someone asks something of us there’s bending and there’s bending over backwards. The difference? Bending involves accommodating someone else’s wishes or request in a way that does not interfere with our physical or emotional well-being. On the other hand, bending over backwards involves setting aside our own needs to please someone else’s wishes to our own detriment, aka, abandoning of the self. The result? Resentment, frustration, anger, bitterness, or a combination of all of the above. But how does this happen? Why does a lack of boundaries lead us to feel resentment, for example?
Resentment occurs when we violate our boundaries and over-extend ourselves in a way that makes us feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, or simply spread too thin. Taking it one step further- sometimes the person we’re trying to accommodate may not express gratitude or appreciation in a way that makes sense to us or feels meaningful. This lack of appreciation and recognition from the other person can be breeding grounds for resentment. Certainly this isn’t to say you can’t ever make a sacrifice for someone you care about. It’s okay to stretch ourselves a bit here and there for the people we love. The question it should boil down to is: “Will appeasing this person in this scenario come at a cost that I’m willing to deal with?” This means there’s a chance that in the end you may end up feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated, or taken advantage of, but are willing to deal with it.
A boundary is something we don’t necessarily put in place just between us and another person. Sometimes we benefit from setting a boundary with ourselves. For example, let’s say you’ve had a cookie and want another but decide to set a boundary with yourself and keep it at one cookie for the day. Or, perhaps you have a colleague who has a tendency to consistently trauma-dump on you at work. Setting an emotional boundary might involve letting this colleague know you are sorry to hear about their troubles but you’ve got deadlines you need to tend to that day. You might even offer up a specific day or timeframe that works in your schedule to set time aside to have a more in-depth chat with this person.
Let’s take the trauma-dumping coworker scenario one step further. Not only are there verbal, emotional boundaries you can put in place to protect your time and emotional energy, there are physical/geographical boundaries you can implement as well if necessary. If the trauma-dumping coworker continues to suck the life out of you despite your best boundary-setting efforts, perhaps you ask your manager if you can move desks to a different location in the office so you are better able to get your work done.
No matter the type, there’s no shame in setting a good ‘ol healthy boundary. Keep in mind, people who maintain and value healthy boundaries themselves are more likely to respect a healthy boundary than those who do not. You can tell if you’re dealing with a person who doesn’t recognize, value, or respect a healthy boundary if they attempt to push back on your boundary when it’s put in place. Imagine yourself drawing a line in the sand, standing behind it, and you see the person inch closer to you while stepping over the line. In this case, the boundary-setting may require a more direct approach that involves explicitly stating you are setting a boundary and may need to take distance from this person if they are unable to respect the boundary. They don’t need to understand the boundary but they should respect it.
All this to say, boundaries are our friend, not enemy. You’ll be amazed at how setting boundaries allows you to preserve more emotional energy in the reserves, improve your time management, make you feel less burned out, and protect your mental sanity overall.
Happy boundary-setting!
~Kara
